Courage

Hello dear reader.

This message literally took my breath away when I saw it. I originally looked at it because I thought it was such a beautiful picture of a lion. Anyway, I had to read what was written there several times before I really grasped it. So go ahead, read it again. Let it truly sink in. I honestly believe that this is the best and most accurate definition of the word Courage I’ve ever seen.

It’s more than a coincidence, in my opinion, that I was discussing this very concept with my therapist just last week. Yes, I go to a therapist. I truly think this world would be a considerably better place to live if everyone did. So I wasn’t saying it nearly as well as this picture does, but I was doing my best to express this sentiment. My example was that so many people are quick to say “I’d die for my (insert children, spouse, best friend, etc. here).” That’s quite a statement of devotion. But the more difficult question, in my opinion, is Would youlive for that person? The way things are right now, dying would be much easier than living is. Every morning when my consciousness returns but before my eyes are open the pain hits me. I reach for the pain meds that are on my nightstand just for this purpose and I take one. I wait about 20 minutes and decide if I should try to get out of bed yet or if I have to take another one. In the meantime my bladder has decided that I need to be in the bathroom NOW! My full bladder begins to yell at my legs, back, neck and head to get over the pain and let’s go. My legs, back, neck and head yell back to my bladder that it needs to quit yelling at them and talk to the blood stream about getting the medications to them. You get the picture. This is the very beginning of my day. It doesn’t get much better from there. It roars during every moment that I’m awake.

Here’s the flip side. I have children and a husband and incredible friends. I love all of them more than words can say. I can’t do much to show them how much I love and appreciate them. Hell, I can’t even keep my house clean. But they are the little voice at the end of the day that drowns out the roaring. I do the only thing I can do to show how powerful my love for them is. I live.

Until next time…

Strangers Among Us

Hello dear reader.

I’ve started working with a program called Net Galley. This cool organization lets me read books before they get published and give my opinion on them. The cool part for you guys is that you get a heads-up on the awesome ones before they hit the shelves.. See, I have to give my opinion, good or bad, to Net Galley. But I will only talk about the good books on here. (Wink)

So here is my first review for you. The book is called Strangers Among Us and is due out in August of this year. It’s a book of short stories by different authors. I enjoyed some of the stories more than others, of course. But I didn’t dislike any of them. I highly recommend grabbing a copy of this book as soon as it becomes available.
The review I wrote for Net Galley goes as follows:

Strangers Among Us is one of the best books I’ve read in a long time! Once I started reading it, I couldn’t stop! Most books of short stories have a few good ones, but mostly ones you rush through hoping that the next one will be better. That was not the case with “Strangers Among Us.” Every story stood on its own and was a pleasure to read. Many of the stories had me wondering if my reality is real. Many of the stories gave me hope. All of the stories made me see things in a different light. A truly enjoyable and thought provoking book.

This is something I will be posting on my blog from time to time. Not to worry though, most of my posts will continue to be my usual ravings.

Let me know what you think about this. Would you like to hear about the books that I didn’t like as well as the ones I did? Did you like the post? Did you hate it?

Until next time…..

Strength

Hello dear reader.
I hear a lot about what a strong person I am. You have a genetic disorder? You are so strong! You’ve had five surgeries on your head? Well you look wonderful! I don’t know how anyone deals with constant pain. You are so strong! How does that make me strong?
If I have a day or two that I get really emotional and cry at the drop of a hat, is that weakness? If I have to cancel on something I promised to do or say “No” to something I really want to do because the pain won’t let me do it, does that make me weak? What if I turn off my phone and escape into a book because if I have to talk to one more doctor about one more new thing that the Chiari has caused I will scream? Does that mean I’m weak?
Personally, I don’t think any of that has anything to do with strength or weakness. I deal with the pain and all the rest of the crap because I don’t have any choice. If you know of another option, I’d dearly love to hear it! I get emotional and cry because I don’t have a choice. I hide in a book as a survival mechanism, so I can spend some time not crying. I turn off the phone to keep from losing what little bit of sanity I have left. That’s not strength or weakness. It’s survival.
I’m no stronger and no weaker than the next person. If you found yourself in the same situation that I’m in (God forbid!) you would do whatever you had to do to get through a day. You would search for anything positive you could grab hold of. You would try your best to enjoy the good days at least 10x more than you hate the bad ones. Mostly, you would handle it in whatever way works best for you.
One last thing….I believe that if you’re looking for strong people you should look for the people who see the worst of it and love you anyway. They watch someone they love going through hell and can’t fix it. They hold your hand and let you cry and keep trying to find a way to make it better. What makes them so strong? They don’t have to go through it.
I don’t have a choice about what I have to deal with, but my husband does. He still comes home to me every day, checks on me if I’m in bed too long, helplessly watches when I’m in horrible pain, and makes me laugh EVERY day. He’s the strong one, not me. Thank you Tim.
Until next time…

Random

Hello dear reader.

Today’s post started out being about going to the doctor, actually many doctors.  I wrote about a paragraph, read it, and promptly deleted it.  Sure, I could throw a couple of cutesy (yes that is a word.  I looked it up) little things in there to make it less depressing.  I could tell you about the new medications (with horrifying “possible side effects”) to make it more informative.  But to be perfectly honest, I’m almost as tired of talking about doctors as I am of going to them.  The “delete” button is one of the most important parts of a computer, maybe the most important.  Could you imagine if it wasn’t there?  I’d be terrified to touch a keyboard.  Who needs spell check?  Okay, I’ve gone off on another tangent. 

Yesterday was an absolutely incredible day.  I have to give you a little bit of back story for you to understand the incredibleness  (also in the dictionary) of it for me, but it won’t be long. I promise. I have been a part of St. George for more than 11 years. I love helping at the meals when I can. I've been on the vestry a few times. I met and became friends with my husband there. He proposed to me there during the Christmas Eve service. And of course we were married there. I’ve always loved the services there. I come away from them feeling refreshed and with something to think about. A few years ago, St. George’s began having the services on Sunday evening instead of in the morning. Unfortunately, that made it very difficult for me to attend. Everyone gets tired as they go through their day, but for me it’s worse. As the day goes on, my energy levels drop drastically and my pain levels increase. By late afternoon (3 or 4) I’m done. I’ve desperately missed being able to go to services. It’s been extremely difficult to stay on track with my spirituality, which is something vital for me. I promised this explanation wouldn’t be long and it’s almost done. I had made it clear to the priest of St. George, who’s also a wonderful friend of mine, how difficult this situation was for me. She got the idea to have “brunch church” once a month. St. George’s is very much about food. Once a month the service is in the late morning (11ish) and it’s a pot-luck. The service is held around the table. Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I was able to go to services at St. George. I left feeling refreshed and with things to think about. I cried tears of absolute joy. It was like coming home after a long journey. So now you know why yesterday was such an incredible day for me. The best part? This is going to keep happening. I get to have more days like yesterday! I am more appreciative and happy than I have words to express. Me without words! Crazy, right?

On a completely different note, I’m dying to tell you about a book I just finished. It was so awesome! I have a new favorite author and her name is Caroline Kepnes. The book is titled simply You. I listened to it on audiobook and I had earplugs in as often as possible, while I was doing housework, laundry, cooking, crocheting, knitting, and laying down to rest. This book had me hooked from the first sentence and I was so sad when it ended that I immediately got the sequil Hidden Bodies and started it. The first sentence I was yelling, “Oh my God! No way!” and I am again hooked. I do have to warn that there is a lot of rough language and a lot of sexual content. So if either of those things bother you then ignore my rantings. But I would truly be doing my readers a disservice if I didn’t tell you about this. Don’t take my word on it. I found an article from the Huffington Post . I told my daughter about it last week and she devoured it in like 3 days. The whole time she kept calling me freaking out about it. It was kind of funny. I feel a little bit bad because she doesn’t have Hidden Bodies yet, but not bad enough to wait for her to get it!

Speaking of my daughter, she is coming up to visit me on Thursday. I’m extremely excited! She lives about three hours away from me, but it’s amazing how hard it is to get to see her. I’ve been so sick the last month or so that I can’t even make that trip. But she’s making the trip in just a few days and I can’t wait to see her!

This kind of became a random rambling, but that happens with me. It sure was better than talking about doctors and medications, right? I don’t know about you, but I needed good positive stuff today. I hope you enjoyed it too.

Until next time…

This should be fun!

Hello dear reader

I’ve talked a lot about things that Chiari has taken away from me. Today I found something new that I can do whether Chiari likes it or not! I should probably slow down and make some sense here. I’m just really excited.

OK, let me back up here.  I love to write. My life’s goal is to be published before I die. The best thing anyone who wants to write can do is read…anything and everything. This is great for me because I’ve loved to read for as long as I can remember.

More recently, I’ve been reading some different authors. I’ve come across some books that have been total disappointments.  But I’ve also stumbled on some incredible books!  And when that happens…it’s hard to explain. It’s like finding treasure.  It’s surprising and amazing and you don’t want it to end.

Some wonderful surprises include Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job), Helene Wecker (The Golem and the Jinni), John Green & David Leviathan (Will Grayson, Will Grayson), and most recently Carolyn Kepnes (You). I’m sure some of you are (have been) aware of some of them. But I wasn’t and my life has been improved as a result of my discovery of them. By the way, if you don’t know any of these, I’ve just given you your summer reading list.

That’s all good, but still not clearing up what the excitement is about, right? Well, today I made another discovery. I found a site (actually more than one) where they give you books for free. You choose a book to read and then you write an honest review on it. The only requirement is that you have to have a place to put the review. So this isn’t just awesome for me, it’s great for you too. The reviews go right here on this little blog for you to enjoy or debate or whatever you’d like to do.

I started this post by saying that I had found something that Chiari couldn’t take from me. What does any of this have to do with Chiari? Reading is one of my weapons. I can escape the pain, let the story take me to another place. I’ve used books for that all of my life.

I know this isn’t really that big of a deal, but it’s a positive that I can see. It makes me happy. And I’m going to do it!

I have one final thing on this topic. I’d absolutely love to hear about what you’re reading (besides this, of course ;-O). And as always, feel free to tell me how you feel or ask a question.

Until next time….

State of mind

Hello dear reader

People say that happiness is a choice. I agree with that only to a point. You can choose whether to focus on the positive things in your life rather than on the negative. That I agree with.

However, there are several reasons why someone can’t be “happy” no matter how hard they try to focus on the positive. Depression can be situational, but is often a chemical problem. When someone is suffering from depression, telling them that happiness is a choice can actually make things worse…much worse.

Depression is a deep dark hole that gets smaller and more confining every day. It robs you of energy and smothers any ray of hope and/or happiness. Guilt weighs on you because you’re depressed, which makes you feelmoredepressed.

Can you imagine feeling that way and then being told that it’s your choice? Or being told to “just cheer up?” Do you think that would help your state of mind? I can promise you that it would have the opposite effect.

So I wrote about depression yesterday. Why am I still going on about it? I don’t really know, it feels important.

Moving on…. tomorrow is my oldest daughter’s birthday. She’s almost to the end of her 20’s. I am constantly amazed at how quickly life goes by. I’m also amazed at how fortunate I feel to be her mother. I loved being “Mommy” when she was little, and I love being “Mom” now that she’s grown. Our relationship is very different now, of course. I’m no longer the person who knows everything, can see through walls AND the back of my head, and always knows when she’s having a bad day. I can no longer solve any problem from a skinned knee to a broken heart with a kiss and/or a cheesecake tart. But I can listen when she needs someone to. I can laugh and/or cry with her. I can give her tips on anything from a roast to a relationship. I can (and do) know that she may or may not follow my advice. She’s a grown woman who can think for herself and make her own decisions. I am so proud of that. I’m thrilled that she asks my advice, whether she takes it or not. In some ways it’s harder to be “Mom” than it was to be “Mommy” because I still want to protect her from the world. I still want to fix anything that hurts. But being “Mom” is wonderful too. I can be her friend now, and she’s a great friend to have. You can’t be a child’s friend and protect them. There are too many times the word “No” has to be said.

I know. I’m ranting again. But these are the things that keep depression from winning. These are the positive things that I try to focus on. I have a great life….a truly amazing husband, great friends, and some great kids (even the ones that aren’t really mine). I live in the most beautiful place there is. I have much to be thankful for. Sometimes I just have to look harder to see past the hard stuff. Sometimes the hard stuff is just too big to see past.

Until next time….

Stigma

Hello dear reader

Note:  There were some issues with publishing this post. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

I try very hard to keep a positive outlook on my life, and most of the time I’m fairly successful. But I have to admit that I’ve been in a really bad place recently.  It’s hard to explain, but I just gave up. I didn’t follow up on getting my teeth fixed, or doing the mammogram or colonoscopy my doctor ordered a month ago. I stopped wearing any jewelry or make-up. I didn’t care what I wore, just pulled on clothes because it’s what I had to do. I didn’t keep up with housework or laundry, just did what absolutely had to be done. Nothing mattered. I didn’t want to do anything but sleep. I felt done.

The thing is that I didn’t realize what was going on, or didn’t care. I’m not certain which. Maybe both.  But I woke up this morning and felt different. I got up, took a bath, thought about what I was going to wear and got dressed, and started cleaning the house.  Yes, I know. It was classic depression.  But what I don’t know is where it came from and where it went. 

I’ve dealt with depression for the majority of my life and have been on some kind of antidepressant or another for years. I know the signs and symptoms. I know things that help and things that make it worse.  But I cannot see it when I’m in it.
About three weeks ago I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with a high fever and having convulsions.  My husband rushed me to the hospital, where they diagnosed me with pneumonia. They gave me a prescriptions for antibiotics and home oxygen and told me to follow up with my primary care doctor, which I did. I spent the next week and a half in a LOT of pain and completely exhausted. The one good thing that came out of it was that I quit smoking. I’ve tried so many times and ways. All of a sudden I simply had no more urge to smoke!  Almost worth the pneumonia… maybe.  The point to this long story (yes, there is a point) is that there’s a possibility all of that happening had something to do with the depression coming on.  I say possibility because I believe the depression started before the pneumonia and all that went with it.

So I still don’t know where (why?) it came from or where (why?) it went. I only know that I’m very glad it’s gone and that I have a TON of catching up to do.

I think the reason it’s important to me to put all of this out there is that there is still a stigma about mental illness, which depression is a form of.  But I don’t choose to be mentally ill any more than I choose to have Chiari Malformation or chose to have pneumonia.  There should be no more stigma attached to mental illness than there is to physical illness. 

There needs to be conversation about these things. Only by talking about them can people understand what mental illness is and is not.  Communication is what will bring us out of the dark ages and the fear that goes along with ignorance.

Until next time….

Lessons learned

Hello dear reader,

The last time I wrote I was trying to explain how St. George is one of the positive things in my life.  I got sidetracked (as usual) but that’s part of who I am and the things I deal with.  One last thing I want to explain about the meals we cook five days a week is that everything is donated.  This makes cooking there different from cooking anywhere else.  Normal cooking involves deciding what to make and gathering the ingredients to make it.  Cooking at St. George is the exact opposite of normal.  When you get there you see what has come in and what leftovers there might be from the day before and you figure out what you can make with what you have.  This involves a lot of creativity and experimentation.  But somehow it always works.  I’ve been working with St. George for over 11 years and there has never been a time we didn’t have food.  We feed, on average, 50 people a day.  One last thing…nobody will ever ask you to come to church, preach at you, ask you for money, etc.  The meals are simply a place where people from all walks of life gather over food and create community.  Isn’t that cool?

Okay, enough about that.  My kids have really been on my mind lately.  They always are, but some times are harder than others.  This is a harder time.  I miss them like crazy.  I would give anything to go back to when they were little and all home.  I can look back now and see so many mistakes I made in raising them, but I did the best I could with what I had at the time.  I didn’t have a “childhood” like many people.  I spent those years wishing and waiting for the time I could leave home.  I was determined that my children would have a childhood where they would be able to look back and remember those days as happy and fun.  I wanted them to have good memories of growing up.  My only guidance in how to parent my children was to do the opposite of what my parents did. 

I do not believe in physical punishment.  All that does, in my opinion, is teach children that if someone isn’t doing what you want them to, then you simply hurt them until they do.  Let me be very clear here…I believe children need discipline and structure.  It makes them feel safe and secure.  They know what to expect and they don’t live in constant fear never knowing what will happen.  I do not believe in physical discipline.  I can honestly say that my children were very well mannered and well behaved children.  I heard that from many people.  Off on another sidetrack. 

The point is that kids don’t come with instructions and even if they did you’d need separate ones for each child.  Hindsight, as the saying goes, is 20/20.  I would have loved to know then what I know now.  My children are all grown and have lives of their own.  That’s what we try to prepare them for, isn’t it?  While I know I messed up a lot, they’re all living happy and successful lives.  They all know how to give and receive love.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s the definition of successful.  So I must have done something right. 

I find it quite ironic that by the time we (parents) finally figure things out, our children are no longer there to benefit from that knowledge.  I think the biggest lesson I learned was how important it is to listen, really listen to our children.  A five year old telling you in detail about everything that happened at school today (who got in trouble, who they played with at recess, what they drew, what they had for lunch and whether they liked it or it was gross, what movie they watched, whether or not they slept at rest time, you get the point) can seem very trivial, even irritating, especially when you’re trying to get something else done.  However, ten years later when they want to talk to you about the pressure they feel from their boyfriend (or girlfriend) to have sex or use drugs, now that’s important to us!  The thing people don’t seem to get is that in your child’s eyes they are equally important at the time.  Here’s the real kicker….if you didn’t stop to listen to them when they were five and what happened at school today was important tothem then by the time what they have to say is important to you they’ve given up trying to make you listen.  The bottom line is that the dishes and laundry and other housework is always going to be there.  Your children aren’t. The things that matter to them are important, no matter the age or topic.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on these things. So please feel free to hit that little comment box and tell me how you feel about it.

Until next time….

6 reasons not to worry

Hello dear reader.

Lately, I’ve been finding a lot of inspiration in what certain quotes bring to mind.  Glancing at them doesn’t get it.  You have to stop and let your mind wrap itself around what they say and, more importantly, what they mean.  How do they relate to your own life?  Here’s the one I picked for today…..

“Little minds have little worries, big minds have no time for worries.”
By Ralph Waldo Emerson

Worry…who doesn’t do that?  I think we all do it, some more than others.  I’ve figured out over the years that worry is something that should be avoided if possible.  Here are reasons why…

1.  Worry fixes nothing.   No matter how much you worry about any given thing, it will not change the outcome.  For example, say you’re a student with an important exam coming up in a subject you struggle with and you’re worried about it.  Will that improve your grade?  Of course not!  The way to make a better grade is to study.

2.  Worry actually makes things worse.  Worry is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.   Let’s go back to that exam you’re worried about.  Worrying about it causes stress, right?  Stress interferes with your ability to think clearly.  It also impedes your ability to relax, which can cause you to lose sleep.  Loss of sleep also interferes with you ability to think clearly.  You see where this is going?

3.  Worry can blow things out of proportion.  Monsters hide in the dark.  When you worry about things they grow in your mind.  Continuing with our example about the exam, worry can blow it up from a single exam to your entire future.  Who hasn’t done this before?  “If I blow this exam, I’ll fail that class.  If I fail that class, my GPA will drop.  If my GPA drops, I could lose my scholarship.  If I lose my scholarship, I won’t be able to graduate.  If I don’t graduate, I’ll end up flipping burgers for the rest of my life.  If I end up flipping burgers for a living, nobody will ever want to marry me.  If nobody wants to marry me, I’ll be old and alone.”   Etc., Etc.   Your head has convinced you that you will lose any chance at a happy life if you don’t do well on this one exam.  How many times has the unknown been much worse than the reality?

4.  Worry is habit forming.  Have you ever met someone who worries constantly about everything?   They can’t stop.  Once your head starts feeding into worry, it becomes a vicious circle.  One worry leads to another, which leads to another, which eventually leads to worrying about how much you worry.  Okay, that may be a little extreme, but you get my point.

5.  Worrying wastes your time and energy.  Worrying is exhausting!  Back to our exam, your brain is too busy running scenarios of what might happen if you do poorly (see #3) to have time or energy to absorb the information you need to do well on the exam.  There are only so many things you can focus on at once.   So you decide to go to a study group, where you spend the entire time talking about how worried about the exam you are.  So you’ve wasted three hours and exhausted yourself for absolutely no gain.  And the point is…???

6.  Worry robs you of happiness.  This is probably the most important reason of all to avoid worrying.  You cannot be worried and happy at the same time.  It’s just plain not possible.  It’s a proven fact that happy people are more productive people.  Back to our exam one last time…it’s simply a choice.  You can choose to study hard and do the best you can.  That mindset allows happiness.  You can also choose to have thoughts that say it’s not not good enough.  You need to find something more.  That mindset will lead to worry and frustration…the opposite of happiness

I can hear you now, “But Lynnette, sometimes you can’t help but worry.  Haven’t you ever been in a situation like that?  Are you trying to tell me that you just don’t worry at all?”  Of course I worry!  My kids will vouch for that fact.  However, I don’t allow myself to stay worried, and that changes everything.  When I begin to worry about something, I ask myself three questions…
      1.  Why am I worried about this?
      2.  Is there anything that I can do to make the situation better?
      3.  If I’ve done everything I can, why am I still holding on to this?
Those questions bring me back into focus, into reality.  I’ve done all I can, so let it go.

I’ve learned over the years that while things may not work out the way I want them to, they do work out the way they’re supposed to.  Some people call that faith.  I honestly don’t know if it’s faith or simply experience.  Whatever you want to call it, it leaves no room for worry.

So what do you think?  Do you have little worries?  Big worries?  Or a big mind?

Until next time…

Love or fear?

Good morning dear reader.

Sorry I’ve been AWAL for a while.  Time seems to fly by much too quickly these days. Anyway, I’m here now and that’s what matters, right?

I found a quote not long ago that I want to share with you. I’ll tell you my feelings about it and I’d love to hear what your thoughts are…deal?

Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
by Marianne Williamson

Think about that for a minute. We are born with love as our primary emotion. We give it away completely and freely asking only to have it given back to us. We are innocent and, more importantly, unscarred.

Soon we learn that there are people outside our circle of love. The world is a much bigger place than we ever imagined. At first, we try to give our love to all the people in this huge world. Some respond with love in return, as expected. But there are others who respond with anger or hurtfulness. That hurts. It teaches us not to give our love so freely and completely. Why? Because we become afraid of that pain.

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows I learned fear very early on. My heart wasn’t the only thing that got hurt…my body got hurt too. That made the fear much bigger. Here’s the strange part…I kept giving my love, hoping to find someone who would give it back to me, someone I wouldn’t have to be afraid of. For a long time I found that in my children. They were innocent and unscarred and gave their love completely and freely. I wanted it to stay that way forever. Unfortunately that isn’t what happens, is it? Children grow up. They get hurt and become afraid.

The spiritual journey Marianne Williamson speaks of is a very difficult one. We are asked to overcome all the hurts and the fear and give our love completely and freely again. Only by giving it can we learn to accept it back. That can be a dangerous thing….giving our love as we did before we learned to be afraid. We’re no longer in that little bubble. We know that giving our love can be a dangerous and hurtful thing. However, if we can overcome that fear wonderful things can happen. If we don’t, nothing will ever change. We’ll live out our lives alone in our scarred hearts.

I’m so very thankful that I took that spiritual journey. Don’t misunderstand me. It wasn’t easy. As a matter of fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But the end result was worth every tear. I now get to spend the rest of my life giving that love and having it given back to me. That’s a beautiful thing.

What do you think? Is that journey one worth taking? Is it worth the risk of being hurt again? Should you try to “unlearn the fear” so that you’re able to “accept love” back into your heart? Think about it, then tell me your story.

By the way, I have a couple of wedding pictures to show you. The entire wedding album is on Facebook as well as Google+ if you want to see more.

Until next time…

Wedding vows

You may kiss the bride

Toasts with sparkling grape juice

Rings and flowers

The whole wedding party and Tim's mom

We're really married!!