Trying to live

Hello dear reader.

It’s been quite a while since I posted on here. Much has happened and I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about things before I post about them on here. Months have passed and my feelings are still all jumbled. I don’t see that changing in the near future.

So you, my friends, are going to get things the way they are…confusion and all. I’ve always been honest with you and that will never change.

Here’s a quick recap of where things stand: In February I got pneumonia, which set off a whole chain of events. I wasn’t getting better no matter how many antibiotics I took. While I was finally able to get the fever down, I was not able to get my oxygen levels up. After more pictures and blood tests, my primary care doctor found a spot on one of my lungs and was very concerned it might be cancer. Next stop was a pulmonologist. He looked at the pictures and told me it wasn’t cancer. It was COPD and I was terminal. I went through the nightmare of telling my family and friends that I was dying. That was a horrible experience. 

The pulmonologist ordered more tests to give me a better idea about how long we were looking at. Those tests had some unexpected results, so he sent me for more tests. These were on my heart because he thought I might have cardio-pulmonary edema.  After everything had been looked at, I was told that I have emphysema. I was not terminal.

This was very happy and exciting news for everyone….well, almost everyone. I had finally seen a light at the end of the tunnel. There was an end in sight to all of this pain I’ve dealt with for so long. Then the tunnel got dark again.

I knew I was supposed to be happy about my wonderful news. Everyone else was thrilled. However, nothing changed. I’m still in pain 24/7. I still have no energy at all. So I’m not dying, but I’m not living either. I’m simply existing in a world of pain and exhaustion.

I’ve been trying very hard to push through it all, to get up and get something done no matter how I feel. I have to start somewhere, right? But for every two days I’m productive I spend four in bed in too much pain to move. I sleep 20 out of 24 hours. It’s two steps forward and four steps back.

I don’t know where this is going to go. I do know that I’d like to bring you along on the journey if you’d like to come. 

Until next time…